Diary Of A Single Woman



Blind
 Diary Of a single woman. 

Prologue
Every single woman dreams of a happy ever after at some point in their lives. As a single woman one is entreated to always look good, be smart, stylish; yes this is all good as it makes one blend into the ' cul de sac'. Well, that's just the blunt truth. Moreover, every single woman's life is always interesting especially if she has attained her 3rd decade and is still unmarried. Tongues begin to wag; you hear sayings like " she's too proud", " she's too stiff" , " she doesn't get out much" , and many other such comments. How true these are is left to ones imagination.




Part One


You have never taken the time to get close to these women------- to really know what their inner most feelings are. Rather we judge by what we see. An English proverb says " don't judge a book by it's cover" it's apt to describe most single women. They are closed books that no one has bothered to open, every one just assumes without having a comprehensive understanding of what runs through their minds. They get pressured to get married always been reminded that time is not on their side. 



A single woman is plagued with various afflictions the most common of these are : love, work, family friends, social life, etc. Yes! The most dangerous and tortuous of this lot is " LOVE". In this singular emotion her life can be completely shattered, such that she clams up. Rather be a stiff board than a fragile glass that can be broken into a million pieces. Nobody asks why she is up tight? Everyone assumes she is proud and uninterested. If you scratch beyond the surface you will find out that she is soft and tender. And that all you see outside is a defense mechanism against hurt. " Once bitten twice shy" sums it up better. A single woman can indeed find love when she does ; she loves without restraint, but you dare not abuse it because you might regret it. " Never make a promise you don't intend to keep". "No single woman likes been demeaned or spoken down to. She has her self esteem brother!" Please don't burst the bubble! She straits with her head held high and shoulders raised not out of pride but self worth. To prove that she's capable of charting her own course. She likes when you act like a gentleman.  She likes when you seek and value her opinion on matters it shows that she is  not just bimbo an accessory  you can decorate your arms with when you are out in public. It means you consider her important. You may remain friends with her  if that's all you want. But if you want to take it up a notch, don't play it hard, making your intentions known; you never can tell if she's interested unless you take the first step. Ask no harm done it could either be a yes or a no!" In reality its nothing ventured nothing gained". 






Every single woman craves independence she doesn't want to be seen as weak and needy. No! No!! No!!!  So next time you are interested in a woman observe her soft spot and take bold steps and ask for her friendship. Friendship can grow. So start small else you might end up in an uncomfortable situation. We like it when you are friends first before lovers. Get the pattern straight friends before lovers ; no t lovers before friends.  As regards work  we love what we do it gives us a sense of belonging something solid to hold on to. So do not belittle whatever she does it's big to her and means a lot. You just make it a point of duty to ask her how day was and you would be surprised at delighted she would be. Do not pretend we hate pretence. We want genuine interest. We do not appreciate being a mere distraction and second best. Not cool at all! Just saying! 
With all these accolades let me introduce myself I am a single independent woman. I take pride in who I am and what I do. I enjoying dancing and I am not much of a social animal. I am writing to make people open their eyes to the hard truth that the life of a single woman is not all a bed of roses. I am venting  on their behalf about our pains and passions. It's important to set the record straight. My name is Austin Christina welcome as we take a journey through my life as a single woman.  I would divide into phases. 










Innocence
My life as a single woman started a long time ago while in my early twentiesI had lost my virginity because I had no one to direct me. It's not an excuse though. The guy in question was four years my senior. 

As it happens he was not satisfied with  just one. He had other girls milling around him. One in particular Becky was the  crux of the whole issue.  African men no matter how young are open to variety. It's no biggie! Still  too young I delved into another  turbulent relationship that lasted for 6 years. It was a bit easy at the beginning but in this case he was 11 years older than me. It was during this period the I first contemplated suicide. I never 

knew my mum was protecting me I thought I was in love .Sex factored in again but the funniest issue is that whenever I bring up marriage he would say he was not ready though he had no stable job.  It was  one problem after another . I virtually had to force him into doing most things he did.  By 2009, I had had enough so I called off the relationship simply because he was becoming too childish dogging my steps it was annoying.


Cold Truth
I was 22 and he was 33 the 11 years age difference didn't put me off. When we met he wasn't worth much. At times I would give him part of my earnings in the beginning as he had no stable job back then. I virtually had to force him into  taking steps that would improve him. He finally got a viable job and I had to make him consider the option of leaving his brother's house. He got a small apartment that was a step in the right direction. Or so I was hoping? Believing that the next step was marriage since he now has a job and a house abi? Oh boy! I was dead wrong. It wasn't coming not even as a jest! Funny, enough he gave me ring and I thought okay any time soon the question would follow. It never did there was always something to come up. I kept waiting dreaming that the question would eventually arise during the years. After six I needed to " Ya ara mi brain"  wake up and realized that what I was gunning for was an effort in futility. Six solid years " ko ye ko pa, se iyen ni ki t'Eba ti?" I called it quits  his happily married and I have moved on.






Deceived Again
The race again began for ' Mr Right' by 2013 I  came in contact with a Facebook friend. This one another time waster. " She I suppose don learn my lesson abi? This one was 'Maradona' as in ' baba nla dribbler!" He said he lives in Ikeja. I said  okay let's meet. " My guy begin post me" . What's the matter okay if you can't come let me come over. " For where another gbege ". As in I was really frustrated. The thing is that the dude was mouth watering fine. As if I knew I was going to meet another road block. I commented on  one of his pix on Facebook and another lady challenged me. I was like do I know you. I didn't take it seriously the guy in question " no say im won marry me!" As time went by in 2014 he said he wants to marry me. He even spoke to my mom on phone: imagine what cheekiness. As it turned out the bobo was playing me. He was already engaged and was looking for a side chick to play with. I again bravely called  it off he is also married and has a son. 









Sex Toy
Funny  heading right? Yes it perfectly fits what I want to talk about. Some years back I hooked up with a former school mate. After my six years stint. I don't double deal. I am faithful in all my relationships. As it goes we exchange contact while was in school and from then I would go to visit him. One thing that didn't immediately occur to was that  I was been used. Yes, used! The only thing we do is have sex, no talking just straight to bed gbam. I was okay with it until one day when I visited and I said No to sex. It was night and I had a long way to go. " The amusing thing is this guy didn't even see me off. Playing cool he was like " I won't rape you" but he refused to even see me off to his gate. I knew something was definitely wrong with the kind of relationship we had. It looks like I was not lucky in love. I didn't see or hear from him after that night. To share secret it was the first time I wanted to pick up smoking but I cautioned myself that that's giving him too credit. Some weeks later he arrived at my place and he asked me to marry him. I looked at him and I simply rejected the offer. What would happen if I refuse to have sex during the marriage we were supposed to have? I thought of it and didn't give the proposal a second thought. It was a one time offer ----- take it or leave it? Leave it! That's what I voted for. Don't know what became of him though. I lost the contact he had. Good riddance! " E no end there o! She I suppose see scam with all my experiences? For where I enter once again". This time it was one fellow he took my money and jerked off on me didn't last 3 mins and was bad mouthing me. Tell me I had mouth ordor. Imagine the likeness! If you don't want somebody no need destroying them for someone else now biko!







Celibacy
Since 2013 with the incidentt above this babe had locked up for real. No sex! It's not easy but with my kind of determination it was  a relief from the unnecessary hassles of having an active sex life. In this period temptations have arisen. One was very funny. He was like okay let's see. I agreed he came over and he wanted to kiss and I dodge. The second time my guy called and said should he bring a condom to my house for his second visit? Trust me I set him straight and that one go. Though one particular guy caught my attention he was the only I had kissed during this period and it meant something but he wanted sex nothing more. I decided to yield to pressure after 3 years of celibacy. But men, it didn't work. It was extremely painful and I just couldn't endure. Trust guys and their typical reaction " you are seeing someone else abi?" " You didn't make enough effort!" I began to wonder if the only I was good for was just a roll in the hay.








Part Two








Monday 1st May 
Love is like a butterfly as soft and gentle as a wind. It makes you feel at ease it puts you on edge. The only thing that you think of is the way to get the feeling reciprocated odd as it is unrequited love 
is a dangerous thing to harbour .In my whole life as a grown woman I have never felt so used as I felt the day I saw an old flame picture along with his wife am not saying am angry but I practically begged him to marry but he said no. I guess I was good lay but not good enough to settle down with. I feel
ashamed because I shamelessly foisted myself on him with hopes a happy ever after not minding our age difference between us. But as it stands I ended up with the wrong end of the stick. Am weak as I write this. Feelings like this keeps one down and to rise becomes a struggle.






Friday 5th May  
 I am not willing to repeat the mistakes of the past again. Marriage is worth waiting for no need to spread my legs for the sake keeping a man if he's yours he isn't going anywhere! What a tragedy it is to labour and at the end you are not there to watch the effort you put yield dividends. It's like falling to the ground and refusing to stand up. It's pointless believe me. It's like being between a rock and a hard place. No option is palatable. I am confused as to how to identify who loves me not my body but me as a person. I will keep my fingers crossed as of now better things are ahead don't throw in the towel yet!
Mmmmmmmm I gave six years of my life to a relationship that didn't work out. Now you say I don't call you? What do we have in common? Nothing! The only thing gotten was sex. Marriage was never in the offing. Not once was it mentioned. Now you are married. I did my best to get you out of your brother's house. The best you could pay me  withis this void. Though I feel nothing it sure hurts deep to the bones. 



Saturday 6th May
Feeling like a sex tool is no feeling! I have learnt that I can't use my body to have marriage. It's a good thing I was never pregnant because that would have been worse because an innocent child will be a constant reminder. Hmmmmm I am glad in a way I am not being proud but I know I can do better by His grace it just wasn't meant to be if it was it would have worked out. Should a woman force or beg a man to marry her? I practically did this but to no avail instead he's married now and accusing me of not calling please what should I call for the marriage I was not aware of you never told me? Life? No wonder the Bible says love not trust.
Emotions Can be a powerful tool to contend with. Love isn't sex and sex isn't love. 
Thinking it's love or infatuation is a dicey game. It's like trying to plough through a large farm but with only a blunt cutlass. 




Tuesday 9th May 
Hmmmmm you think a person loves you but lo they are just using you. Most guys think when a lady hears an offer of marriage she should swoon like a medival damsel who has clinched the proverbial Prince charming. Arrant nonsense! Am still puzzled at this mind set that is myopic to say the least. Imagine this days sex is like water given freely on a whim without a backwards glance. It's a major bane of most relationship it's seen as a cord but it's baseless sex is just like a recreational activity to some something done to while away time with. Falling on your back now beats falling love a poor substitute indeed. Sex is transit love is for a life time. It grows in little embers not a spark from the start. It needs to be nurtured and nourished to develop.  At times we pine away for what is beyond our grip and ignore what is right in front of us. We choose to remain blind even when circumstances are  telling and obvious. But by the time the wool is removed from our eyes it might have been a little too late





 Thursday 11th May 
That's the way it should be giving your self inner strength when all around you a storm is raging is a sign of maturity. Having achieved this you can be a calm boat on a tumultuous sea with the waves beating hard and you unyielding.  That's how it should be not crying over spilled milk. We are powerless against 
circumstances we can't control but powerful enough for those situations we can willing change by ourselves. 
We need to realize that power the within us is greatest when we believe. We are what we make ourselves be. We are the image we project. If we see a weak person then it's so but if we see a strong person then it's equally so. 
As a single woman we all hope for a happy ever after in the nearest future but when you get turned down or mowed over continuously you prefer to be as you are than be a second fiddle or a no fiddle at all. At times we are seen as extremely cold with no warmth. 










Sunday  14th May 
When you keep picking pieces of your heart when a relationship turns sour what will be then be left of the heat itself? Ponder on that! Lying seems to be the order of the day. As in it has become an art form practiced just to get laid. Even when some of these man are married and it's obvious they still you they are not until you get the message that they are. Why tell all these white lies for 5 minutes rolling in bed. The repercussions of that singular act can be lasting beyond that day it can be for a life time. It's when the fruits begin to manifest that we can remember that night. 
Not being married at the age of 36 makes one look like an old maiden. Here 
is an experience I had recently. There's a guy I  met a while back we were in contact recently. After one visitaton on wanting to come again he asked to bring a condom. I was shocked and appalled. Short for words in fact! I was like why should he ask such a question. Guys been who they are he saw it is Right!




Wednesday 17th May
 Please must sex be part a of relationship before it can work? I am getting confused with the idea of this "sex craze". The funny thing is that even when you agree to be a sex toy it's not, marriage, and it  is not visible in the nearest future of the relationship. It's a shame that we are going through alot all the name of marriage. We bend over backwards just so one isn't considered cold maintain your standard and you are called names that are not printable. Even when we stop being a sex toy they still look for an offense to levy. At times being single and unattached for a woman can be liberating. Unnecessary jealously unfounded ones begin to crop up. I am not saying getting married is wrong but hasty marriage because of pressure is suicidal! Because you may regret your choice later on but in some cases it's s little to late. Things have fallen apart the center no longer holds. Divorce than becomes a way out some are not so lucky they endure the relationship rather break free. Pressure should not be yard stick neither should the term " I am not getting any younger" be an anthem. Patience yields lasting fruits but impatience yields ephemeral fruits. 
No matter how good you think you are you are still not good enough for some people. Don't worry about what people say about you because they don't know you like you know you. 









Thursday 18th May 
The people around us will always have something negative to say about us we are all villians in some else's  story believe it.  Having had to be single into ones late 30's is kind of weird in Africa since younger than this are sometimes already married. I am speaking from experience as I am  in my 3rd decade now with no marriage in sight. Though I am hopeful but I refuse to be a play thing that is used and then dumped. It's best to maintain ones dignity in certain circumstances.
Acting weird raises questions. It's better to be free and open minded at all times. that people won't fail you. But be prepared for their failures so it doesn't take you by surprise. 
Being happy is the best thing you can do for yourself at times. Not letting things bother you unnecessarily makes you feel better about yourself. Depression is a very bad emotion that can cause dementia and Alzheimer's disease if not curtailed.

I'd love to hear good news from anyone not been married is not a form of disease after all one doesn't walk with a placard advertising" husband needed apply within" ;
 it'slooks queer. 
So if indeed the husband needs a wife he will locate her but how long will the wait be for? That is the amusing thing! It's a wonder what marriage has become today! Both the men and boys are getting married the men last longer the boys opt out because they can't cope and cherish their freedom.








Friday 19th May 

Being married is a thing of joy but staying married is the hardest part of the contract. Really at times one needs to keep some news close to ones chest as divulging it is a sure way of its not been accomplished.
 
Sure enough we must remember that all people around us are not always genuinely happy for us. 
When you are over thirty and still single it's like you're abnormal. Naturally, younger and even older ladies are getting married. But a single woman in her 3rd decade it's pure hell! Everyone thinks something is wrong. No one seems to believe them when they say nothing is wrong. It's amazing and she begins to listen to comments like " she's cold" , " she's picky" please let me ask does one choose trash in a bid to answer the title ' Mrs'? Or wait patiently for someone better who will cherish you for you are. I had a close call with a Facebook friend it's an encounter I choose not to want to repeat.  You think you know yourself deep down but in reality you don't. Wanting to settle for less than the best is a big slap on the face. 

Saturday 20th May
Not knowing what to do in certain circumstances is disheartening. Hmmmm wonders never ceases! Imagine! Saying you are visiting someone who might be a potential wife and you are asking if you should bring a condom? To make matters worse when the is  answer no, it is a pointer that there is some one else? What's that?  I am trying my best to be perfect but the perfect is what I am myself.  I can't believe that at 36 I could still be single. 


"You call him sweetheart or baby with love responses and subconsciously you have built your entirety around him but lately you are beginning to wonder maybe ' he is the one'."You know that a lifetime commitment should not be taken lightly. The big question is, is he really a husband material? If you've ever been in a serious relationship before you are not likely to be an alien to what am talking about. The feelings and affection grow to a point and new habits start coming up. 



Sunday 21st May 
" You start wondering if he is originating these habits or they were hidden before?" Quarrels take days to settle, no breakfast in bed, he starts thinking of you as a washing machine he keeps at home and he goes out to nurture his manhood with alcohol and some times other girls. I have moved from nearly married  to extremely single. The whole world crumbled on me and my heart was shattered without repair. I  Lost the reality of settlement and was trapped in the euphoria of single hood until I discovered it was my 30th birthday. I asked myself repeatedly " How old are you now! " How old are you now"! How old are you now!"  "Don't tell me you don't have anyone you are thinking of? " Mother said. It became unbearable when she told me she was going to introduce me to one of the neighbours he is a divorcee. 









Monday 22nd May 
"Is being single a disease or what?" 
 I wonder what men in Nigeria are waiting for. They subconsciously have lost the sense of responsibility God gave to them in settling down. They are ie a vast majority of them are in the habit of sleeping around, promising you heaven on earth and afterwards breaking your heart.  We judge most times based on what we see which is superficial. 












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